so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
