there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Randomize
