normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
