onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
