I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
