omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
