I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
