No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
