You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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