When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
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