I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Sorry about my life...
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
