The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
