Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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