No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Randomize
