She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
