i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
be right there i have to get my cape
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
