I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
