On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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