Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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