Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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