The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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