After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
