okay pat passed out under dana's car
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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