honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
