Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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