Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Randomize
