Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
