I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
