yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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