I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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