my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
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