Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
