Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
