I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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