she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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