There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
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Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
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I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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