Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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