Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
