We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
