Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
sex in a hospital.. check
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
