Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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