How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
