I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Sorry my hands just texted you
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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