i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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