Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
