i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
it was like his penis was on wheels.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
