I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
