once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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