So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
