We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
