Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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