good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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