I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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