The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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