Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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