I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
