i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Randomize
