I just pynch a tree in the face
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
