no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
