I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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