Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
