The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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