somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
