I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Found your dick twin last night
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
