God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
